One song that I can’t get out of my head lately is Mary Lambert’s Secrets.
Have you heard it?
It’s a fun + bouncy number, but even more, the lyrics do something to me. Every time she starts singing, I’m taken back to my twelve year old self, writing in my lock-and-key diary all of the things that I was too afraid to speak to myself aloud, yet alone my friends or family. I’m sure I erased or tore out a few pages through the process.
Being that honest was really hard.
It still is.
Today, I’d like to share a little story about that.
If you haven’t noticed, I deeply resonate with the feminine energy. The divine woman in me is magnetic, sensory-driven, tender, nurturing, and dances in her desires, pretty much all the time.
On the flip side? She resists structure, often creates her own reality of only things that feel good, and is grossly impatient when it comes to getting what she wants. Admitting to her demanding presence in my life has been challenging for me.
You see, in the past few years, I’ve intimately discovered this part of myself that remembers immediate manifestation, instant satisfaction, and permanent bliss. I’ve owned my cosmic heritage and have spent oodles of time and energy exploring the wonders of who I am and why I’m here.
I’ve seen the shiny truths. (I love shiny. Shiny is easy.)
But all that light has also showed me the cracks and crevices of the places that I have chosen to ignore. I’m not talking about my empowering shadow-self that fuels my bright identity like the phases of the moon. I’m speaking about the broken me. The scared me. The unsafe-little-girl me.
She’s who I judge the most. At times, even deny.
So naturally, in this collective season of deep illumination and even swifter evolution, I’m getting schooled on how to love those places that, before now, I’ve been too afraid to see.
Like my marriage.
Long story short: I said “I do” to my husband at the ripe ‘n ready age of twenty-one. I was thoroughly in love, but I also had a lot of brokenness I didn’t know what to do with and the security of marriage felt like salvation.
And it was, for a while. As long as the diary-writer within me kept hidden from him and the rest of the world. I built my life and home around a private world filled with unfair beliefs.
I’m too big, too wild, too out there. My inner world must stay inside. It hurts too much when I show it. No one can understand how deep my soul is, including him. He’ll never accept me unless I give him what I think he needs. And what is that? To be taken care of, yes. I’m good at that. I will just focus on taking care of him and my kids. I’ll find a way to quiet this need to be seen all the time.
It took a tremendous amount of energy, denying myself love like that. All to keep distance from a monster-sized untruth that was screaming for illumination of the highest kind:
Being in my truth will cause me loss. Suffering. Aloneness.
Read that one again. Can any of my soul-in-service sisters relate?
It’s hard to look at our judgments and illusions, especially when it comes to seeing how they’ve played out in our intimate relationships. Too often, we assemble our romance dynamics around an old defense system that’s simply not needed any longer.
Not when you’re ready to be seen.
I’m so deeply *in this* right now in my own life, so you’ll likely be hearing more about this around here. My husband is seeing all of me, not just the selectable pieces I perceive as safe and easy going down. I’m bolder and braver and he’s better for it.
And you? How are your intimate relationships currently mirroring the divine shifts in your life? Has your business and world-changing dream challenged the intimacy dynamics in your life?
I’d love to know how any of this is hitting home for you. Send me note here. I read them all and will likely reply with a few intuitive insights!
p.s. want more divine feminine mentoring in your romantic realm? I’d love to! I’m now scheduling private mentoring for 2015. Sign up here and get on the list!
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